What if Your Partner is a Jerk? (part 3 of 3)

In a previous post I described levels of "jerkiness" in the well partner -- from unaware to indifferent to downright mean. Of course, the ill partner can act like a jerk too, but that's a topic for another post.

The first suggestion I offered (in part 1) for dealing with a well partner who is acting like a jerk is to try empathic communication. The second suggestion (in part 2) was to turn away from your partner's darkness towards the sources of light and support in your life. In this post I will offer the third suggestion -- couples therapy.

When your interactions with your partner are filled with more acrimony than sweetness, when even seemingly benign requests - like please take out the garbage or can you drive the kids to school this morning -- feel like they carry implied criticisms, when you say more to your pillow than to your partner -- it is time to consider couples therapy.

When silence stretches for days and is used as punishment, when you lose interest in doing the activities that used to be mutually enjoyable, when you exhaust your precious energy on pleading, cajoling, and berating, when there's been an affair -- it is time for couples therapy.

Why am I suggesting couples rather than individual therapy? Because if there is hope that the relationship can be renovated, it lies in working together, not apart. The problems manifest in the couple relationship, and it will take the will and insight of both partners to resolve them. Individual treatment may be a useful accompaniment to couples work at some point, but not at the start.

What happens in couples therapy? Both partners get to tell their stories, uninterrupted. But perhaps, more importantly, both partners learn to listen to each other. And with guidance, they learn how to communicate the often painful truths in ways that the other partner can hear. So instead of firing random shots about peripheral matters because of deeply held anger -- anger that's really about the illness, about unfairness, about the past -- partners learn how to address feelings and issues directly. They learn how to love and how to fight.

One of the greatest gifts Richard and I received from couples therapy we did decades ago was to learn how to "speak the unspeakable," to always talk with honesty and as much empathy as we can muster about our disappointments and heartaches with each other. We learned that it was the unspoken that caused damage, not the spoken.

How do you find a couple's therapist? Ask people you know for recommendations. Ask friends, doctors, nurses, physical therapists, clergy. Don't rely on advertisements or lists of approved providers. Dig deeper. The most important factor is that the therapist has indeed worked with lots of couples. Interview the therapist over the phone. Ask questions like -

• how long have you been in practice?
• how many couples have you worked with?
• have you ever worked with couples and illness?
• how would you describe your approach or style with couples?
• how much do you charge?
• what insurance do you take?
• do you have any questions for me?
  

As you talk to the therapist, pay attention to your own inner intuition and feelings. If you get a sense that the person is "right" for you and your partner, set up an appointment for an initial meeting.

Couple's therapy may or may not help your situation. There's no guarantee. But if you both still want to try to make your relationship better, it's worth a shot.

What if Your Partner is a Jerk? Part 2 (of 3)

In a previous post I described levels of "jerkiness" in the well partner -- from unaware to indifferent to downright mean. Of course, the ill partner can act like a jerk too, but that's a topic for another post.

The first suggestion I offered for dealing with a well partner who is acting like a jerk is to try empathic communication - to put yourself in your partner's shoes and truly empathize with the disruption illness has brought into his/her life too. Of course, this is just a starting point, and may not work for couple relationships that are more deeply stuck in indifference or meanness. For these situations, there are two more options:

#2) Turn away from his/her darkness and towards sources of light.

If you walk down the same street every day on your way to work, and each time you run smack into a brick wall that leaves you with some nasty bumps, what do you do? Do you continue to take the same path and try walking faster or slower? Or maybe throw in a few dance steps? No matter how you walk, if you're on this path, you will inevitably get bonked by that brick wall.

Einstein described insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

I don't think we are insane if we repeat relationship patterns, but we are stuck.

When it comes to dealing with a difficult well partner, if no matter what your try - explaining your condition in detail, cooking a nice dinner, humor, asking for what you need, offering to give him/her a back rub, asking him/her what he needs from you, etc. -- nothing changes, then maybe it's time to look for alternative roads to walk.

Perhaps our own sense of self worth is so tied to how our partner treats us that we feel compelled to keep trying to get him/her to love us so we can feel lovable. Perhaps we have invested so much in our relationship and want it so desperately to be good that we can't abide the idea of letting go, even just a little bit. I am not equating letting go with separation or divorce -- that's another discussion. But if the relationship is causing you, the ill partner, a continuous string of daily disappointments and if at the end of the day you're feeling more defeated than strengthened by your encounters with your partner - it's time to turn away from his/her darkness and seek some light elsewhere.

In other words, it's time to stop expecting your partner to be different and begin to act differently yourself.

Begin by understanding that your partner is not the only source of oxygen available to you. Kindness, compassion, help, and empathy are waiting for you if you begin to look in other directions. Think about the range of people in your life and who among them can be a true friend to you. Do you have a mother, father, sibling, aunt, uncle, or cousin who can sit with you and listen? Do you have a few friends who can help with chores or take you out to dinner or a movie? Do you have a child you can play with and laugh with -- even for a half hour? Do you have a dog or a cat who will curl up with you when you need to lay down? Do you have a craft or a hobby you can immerse yourself into -- even for a half hour? Do you have a spiritual community or a spiritual place you can go to to feel part of something bigger than the moment you feel stuck in?

Letting go of the urgent desire for nurturance and understanding from your partner can be excruciating. It can feel like a defeat. Staying in a fruitless struggle may feel like the last tie left holding you two together. But ask yourself, "Is this struggle doing either of us any good? Is it pushing the well partner farther away while it depletes you, the ill partner, of the energy you should be devoting to dealing with your illness and your wellness?"

You need and are entitled to get support. Look for it and when you find it enjoy it. You may find that the loneliness you feel within your primary relationship begins to shift as you experience companionship with a larger community. You may find you start to feel less trapped and more loved. And who knows what may evolve if you become less stressed and less dependent on your partner for empathy.


In Part 3 of this series, I will write about the third option -- Getting help from couples therapy.

What if Your Partner is a Jerk? (part 1 of 3)

I occasionally get emails and phone calls from people who are living with an illness who tell me about their well partner. In their stories, their Mary or Bob or Pete (fictional names) sounds like a real jerk. Of course, the ill partner can behave like a jerk too. But I'll write about that in another post.

Mary (let's give her that name) is indifferent to his illness. She doesn't ask questions like, "How are you feeling today?" or "What did the doctor say?" She ignores the topic entirely, as if it's a pile of dog poop she's stepping around. She goes to work, stays late, watches TV in the evenings and reads the newspaper on weekends. Sometimes she's having an affair with a healthy, younger man.

Bob (let's give him that name) goes one step further. He doesn't really believe his mate is sick, or as incapacitated as she acts. He accuses her of malingering. He thinks she needs to get up off her saggy ass and just do it. Just do the housekeeping, the grocery shopping, get a full time paying job, manage child care, and appreciate how hard he works to bring in some money. Bob is angry. He believes that his paycheck is his contribution and blames her for not rising above her illness to take better care of him and the household. He often tell her that "it's all in your head."

Pete is downright nasty. He'll tell her he'll come to her medical appointment and then will be a no show. When she asks him, "What happened?" he either says, "What appointment? You never told me" or "Something came up." Pete will point to her constant tiredness or repeated trips to the doctor and accuse her of being selfish. He will withhold affection. He will walk out of the room when she shows signs of exhaustion or too much pain. He will be kind to other unfortunates and small animals in front of her.

How can the ill person cope when the partner is acting like a jerk?

There are three options. Whether they can help or not of course depends on how willing both partners are to listen and change direction. Sadly, reconciliation may just not be possible for some couples. For others, though, tearing through the layers of silence and distance and consciously shifting communication patterns may help.

1) Empathic communication initiated by the ill partner.
The main theme of this blog is that when illness falls into a relationship, it resides in one body, but two lives are dislocated. The well partner's present and future have also been rescripted, without his permission. He may be angry, afraid, ashamed, alone and unable to do anything other than instinctively fight or flee the threat, which he now sees as embodied in his ill partner. Empathizing with his emotional pain, especially when he is expecting blame, can potentially catalyze a shift in the toxic patterns that have gotten established. It doesn't make it all better, but it can create a starting point for the work.

Now this may seem almost impossible to do when you are the ill partner suffering the double whammy of illness and anger/hurt at your well partner. And you may even, covertly, have become invested in raging at his mistreatment instead of looking in the direction of your own fears about the illness or at the fractures that have existed for years in your relationship.

But if you can say to him, "Sweetie, I'm so sorry that my illness has caused you unhappiness and has disrupted your life." "I know you may see me as selfish or not trying hard enough and that must make it even worse for you." "I'd like to try to make things better." "I'd like to hear what this has been like for you - can you tell me?" Then you listen, with empathy. Isn't this what you'd like to hear from him? Over time, with repetition, this kind of empathic communication may become two-way and may lead to a mutual desire to build more companionable patterns into your relationship.

The two other options are:

2) Turn away from his darkness and towards sources of light.
3) Get professional help in the form of couples therapy.

Both these options will be described in a subsequent post. Stay tuned.