Grand Rounds is Up at Chronic Babe Today

This week's Grand Rounds posts are about women's health issues.

And so is the January Pain Blog Carnival.

MBTI: Personality Differences in Couples

The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) assessment is a psychometric questionnaire designed to measure psychological preferences in how people perceive the world and make decisions.

There are four dimensions of measurement. We each have qualities of all dimensions. But just as some of us have a dominant right or left hand, even though we use both hands all the time; we tend to have preferences for certain MBTI types.

THE FOUR MBTI DIMENSIONS

Extroverting <---> Introverting
Which has to do with where you get your energy. Extroverts recharge when they're around people and they tend to think out loud. Introverts need alone time to recharge and they tend to process internally before speaking.

Intuiting <---> Sensing
Which has to do with how you take in information. Intuitive look for the big picture and patterns (the forest). Sensors look for the details (the trees).

Thinking <---> Feeling
Which has to do with how you make decisions. Thinkers use data to analyze situations. Feelers look to their intuitive gut responses.

Judging <---> Perceiving
Which has to do with your basic orientation to the world. Judgers like to narrow options, make the choice, act on it, and move on. Perceivers like to keep options open and add more possibilities.

I have heard it said that when couples have different preferences on more than two dimensions, relationships are more of a struggle. Richard, my partner, and I differ on two dimensions, and they bite us all the time. I have preferences for Feeling and Judging. He has preferences for Thinking and Perceiving.

How does this play out?

Feeling - Thinking Scenario

B. (Feeler): Today is not a good day. I'm having some pain.
R. (Thinker): Why not try a warm bath, or doing some yoga stretches. That often helps. Or we could watch reruns of the Twilight Zone. That might distract you.

When all I (the Feeler) really want to hear him say is:
"Oh sweetie. I'm so sorry you're hurting. I'm by your side."

Judging - Perceiving Scenario

B. (Judging): I don't know what to do? Should I try myo-fascial physical therapy or acupuncture or different meds? I can't stand this confusion. I want to find the one thing that will work!"

R. (Perceiving): You can try them all! And if something doesn't work once, you can try it again later. It might help then. The good news is that there is always something more to try that might help.

B. (Judging): Groan...I just want to figure out what will work!

We are different. I recently wrote a post about how Richard's Thinking preference and my Feeling preference trip us up. I am Deanna Troi to his Mr. Data (for the Trekkies among you).

When you think about your own relationships in an MBTI context - what do you notice about how the differences between you and your partner show up?

Are you both Extroverts, or is one an Introvert? Do you both like to dive into the details (Sensing) or does that make you crazy because all you want is the big picture (Intuiting)? Is one of you a Thinker and the other a Feeler, like Richard and me? Is one of you a Judger who likes to make a choice and move on, while the other, the Perceiver, likes to add more possibilities into the mix and postpone making a final decision (again, like Richard and me)?

And for those of you who seem to be similar to your partner across all four dimensions -- what is that like? I can only imagine.


more to come about MBTI and couples and illness

Strife at Home Can Make You Sick

From an article on Little About
Strife at Home Can Make You Sick

Disagreements between feuding spouses that continue without satisfying resolution could take a significant toll on one’s health, researchers at Ohio State University conclude. Among those who argued with ineffective conflict management skills, immune systems can be weakened and stress hormones increased.

In two trials involving 120 couples, psychologists found that partners involved in relationship disputes were at risk for sickness. The findings were similar across the marriage spectrum of participants, whether a couple was newly married or wed for many years.

One study focused on newlyweds, the other on husbands and wives married an average of 42 years. Clinicians involved with the study conclude that, with proper conflict resolution, marriage partners can enjoy less stress through real listening and honest sharing of feelings and attitudes. The men studied were more likely to withdraw from or tune out during arguments, while the women were more likely to be distressed about the argument well after a heated dispute.

With the study, mental health practitioners who try to save marriages–counselors, social workers, psychiatrists, psychologists, clergy–now have the science to prove that arguments between couples can lead to battles inside the body. Long term health effects are not yet known.

Ohio State researchers studied many couples, both newlyweds and couples who have been married for decades. They measured the stress hormones in their blood. Couples were brought in for joint counselling sessions on current disputes. Blood was analyzed intermittently.

The presence of the hormones are found to be linked not to the disagreements themselves, but to the way couples fight and resolve (or don’t resolve) conflicts. “They all had a problem that they were talking about, but those who talked about it in a hostile and negative way are the ones who had the negative immune effects,” reports Dr. George Solomon, MD, professor of psychiatry at University of California Los Angeles.

Solomon studies the way in which mind and the immune system interact. He says it’s important for couples to learn how to deal with the conflicts and stress that are inevitable in any committed relationship. In the study of the older couples, abrasive arguments were tied to a weakening of certain aspects of immune response.

Dr. Janice Kiecolt-Glaser, PhD of OSU’s new Institute for Behavioral Medicine Research who was involved in both studies, says that the findings from those headed toward golden anniversaries were more unexpected than the findings from the newlyweds. “You might expect that arguments would have less impact on older couples because they’ve gone through these disagreements many times before and have learned to deal with them,” says Kiecolt-Glaser. “But that’s not the case.”

Besides raised stress hormone levels, the older couples with weaker immune measures also described their usual marital disagreements as more negative.

In the study of newlyweds, researchers concluded that one key to lowering the stress during a couple’s arguments is to concentrate on the issues at hand and reduce the amount of negative responses that result. The style of the fighting is most important. “The sarcasm, name-calling and back-biting are the problems,” says Dr. Ronald Glaser, PhD, another researcher involved in the OSU study.

Of particular interest was the continued elevated stress hormone levels of the women having husbands who withdrew from the arguments. “We’re probably seeing the results of the women thinking about and reliving the argument throughout the day,” Kiecolt-Glaser says.

According to the researchers, while changes in immune response were seen in both newlywed and older couples, the effects may have greater consequences in older people as their immune systems are already waning. “Older adults have greater rates of illness and death due to infectious diseases compared to younger people,” Kiecolt-Glaser says. “Additional stress, such as from marital arguments, may put them at greater risk.”

President Barack Obama

"On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord. On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics."

Let us hope.

Divorce and Illness

from The Daily News

Sunday, January 18th 2009, 11:34 PM

"Dawnwell Batista is in the middle of what will forever be known as the Kidney Divorce, and she is an amazing woman who’s been betrayed both by her body and her husband.

Her split from Dr. Richard Batista has been painful enough, dragging on for four years, and mostly, she’s been worried about the children.

But just as their trial was about to begin, the surgeon upped the ante. His lawyer announced that Dr. Batista had donated a kidney to her, and now he wants it back - or its supposed $1.5 million value"

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Speculations

Sometimes love can become a Steven King novel - you know the ones, about a killer car or a killer prom queen or a killer caretaker at a snowed-in, isolated moutain retreat.

How does this happen? How does a couple go from "I do" to "Gimme my kidney back?" From "love and honor" to "wound and maim?" Demanding a kidney refund is so much more mutilating and vampirish than taking back the diamond engagement ring. It's hateful.

And how does love become hate? Does that happen when such a critical mass of disappointment has accumulated that the pile starts to fester and breed hate bacteria? Does it happen when two people have been so blinded by their own illusions for rescue that they enshroud their partner with expectations no mortal could meet? Does it happen in the day to day, inch by inch annoyances that eventually crescendo into an unscalable wall of misery? Does a moment arrive when all murmurings of tenderness disappear leaving only a banshee shriek of hate?

How can you take back the kidney you once gave as some form of loving sacrifice?

And what role does the illlness that required the kidney in the first place play? (Dawn has supposedly had 3 kidney transplants and a double mastectomy). I can imagine illness as an amplifier. Whatever strains existed in this couple's relationship perhaps got overloaded by the extra burdens illness brings. Many of us have struggled with this.

But how many of us have demanded a body part be returned?

And finally, a woman's body is never, never to be used as a field of negotiation. This is the fundamental women's health right.

MBTI: Thinkers and Feelers

The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) assessment is a psychometric questionnaire designed to measure psychological preferences in how people perceive the world and make decisions.

But it's so much more than that. It's a relationship emancipator. It's the knife that slices the Gordian knot that keeps partners entwined in endless, repeating patterns of point and counterpoint, argument and escalation of argument. It can take a world of communication trouble, and if you let it, pare it down to its benign and manageable essence.

What do I mean? Here's a light example.

One of the dimensions the MBTI assesses is the way people make decisions. In general, people either have a preference for what MBTI calls Thinking or Feeling. Thinkers like facts, practicalities, data, and analysis. They decide based on what is logical. Feelers like intuition, gut sense, fairness, and harmony. They decide based on what feels right.

I was having a very good, pain-free day and Richard and I decided to do one of the things we love best - go for a hike. The weather was California perfect. One part of the trail took us through a large redwood forest. For miles, we were encircled by these ancient mother trees. One tree in particular had had its lower trunk hollowed out by fire. What remained was the outer trunk and a cavity that was about 4 feet wide and 8 feet high. The space could easily fit three adults.

I entered into this sanctuary and stood silently for a few minutes, feeling part of something primordial and dignified. When I emerged I said to Richard, "Well that was a little bit of the sacred."

Richard entered in to the chamber, turned around a few times, came back out into the sunlight and said, "That place would be a good shelter from the rain if you needed one."

I am a Feeler. Richard is a Thinker.

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Before we had this language, it was easy for me to experience his responses to my needs as insensitive. It was easy for him to just not understand what I was asking for and to try harder to parse the situation rationally.

"I'm so miserable," I would moan. "I hate taking pills. And I hate having pain if I don't take them."

"What if you tried cutting back on one of the pills and see what happens," he would offer.

"You just don't understand. I hate all this!" I would moan with a little more volume.

"Well," he would suggest a bit more tentatively not sure of what he wasn't understanding, "what if you sliced one pill in half and tried tapering in smaller increments."

You can see where this conversation would be headed.

What MBTI gives us is a decryption key for this kind of interaction. I can now say to Richard, "You're doing that T-thing. I'd like you to try to be more of an F right now."

He can then filter that through his rational mind and say,"Ahh. You need me to say something like, 'Oh sweetie, I know this is so hard for you. You hate everything about having a pain condition. How can I help?'"

I say in a very succinct, practical, data laden way "Yup. That's what I'm looking for." (we Feelers can be logical when we need to).

He searches inside to find his empathy (Thinkers have feelings - it's just not what they lead with). He repeats what he just practiced, but lets it float on that empathy. "'Oh sweetie, I know this is so hard for you. You hate everything about having a pain condition. How can I help?"

It works. I feel soothed. I feel like we are now both inside the redwood together, sheltering each other.


(more to come on this topic...............)

Tarra and Bella - The Video

I wrote about this unique relationship in a previous post. It is a remarkable example of how love can bridge differences and disabilities. In this video clip, you can see for yourself.

(The clip is preceded by a brief commercial - sorry about that)


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