How To Claim Your Alone Time

How do you let your partner know that you need alone time?

Chronic illness is a demanding intrusion. It can determine when you and your partner can go to a movie, what you can eat, and even when you can be intimate. At the same time, illness can force intimacy in areas where it may not be wanted -- discussion of bodily functions, acts of physical caretaking like dressing or washing, exposing helplessness.

The experiences of the ill and well partner are different. Both may feel sadness and anger - at the illness and at each other. But the experiences that provoke strong feelings can be different. And both may need a break from each other in order to simply be quiet or to re-energize or to not feel obligated or dependent.

How do you take a break from your partner without wounding him or her? How do you claim your alone time without without giving the impression that you are rejecting your partner?

For some couples this may be easy. They may have even built alone time into their weekly routines. For others, especially where communication is more labored, taking alone time can be more fraught.

Richard and I both require lots of alone time. That is our nature and it was part of our relationship before chronic pain entered our picture. So now, if one of us closes the door or walks out of the room, the other is not wounded or offended. Sometimes we will say to each other, "Time for alone time."

Do you need alone time? How do you communicate this to your partner?

The natural way to protect against E coli.

The recent outbreak of E coli accross Europe is a new strain, and is proveing difficult to trace. So what can we do ourselves to protect us against this deadly disease. Natural cures may provide some answers. Wash all salad, fruit and vegetables before consuming. If eating fruits like apples then peal the fruit first. The most important thing is to maintain a high standard of hygene, wash hands after visiting the toilet, and before preparing food, as well as when hands are dirty.
Some natural plants and herbs may provide some protection against E coli, such as garlic, cinnoman, cloves, and rose petal oil.

Grand Rounds is Up

The weekly collection of the best posts from the health care blogosphere is up at Medgadget. Have a read.

Also - PFAM (Patients for a Moment), a collection of posts write by patents aobut their experiences is up at Getting Closer to Myself.

Health of Older Couples is Linked to Each Other

As if we didn't already know this........ (quoted from an article on the University of British Columbia's web site):

Physical and emotional health of older couples linked for better or worse, study finds

A study of older married couples that gives new meaning to the matrimonial adage “for better or worse” finds that spouses have a much greater impact on their partner’s health than previously known.

The study, published in the current issue of the American Psychological Association’s journal Health Psychology, finds strong associations between the physical and emotional health of older married couples – and provides important new information on the psychological toll of physical limitations in old age.

Researchers from the University of British Columbia and Pennsylvania State University tracked the emotional and physical histories of more than 1,700 older couples over a 15-year period, using data from a major U.S. survey. Participants ranged in age from 76 to 90 and many had been married for more than 40 years.

In individuals and couples, the researchers found a strong relationship between “depressive symptoms” (unhappiness, loneliness and restlessness) and “functional limitations” – the physical inability to perform such basic tasks as climbing stairs, picking up objects, cooking and shopping. While previous studies have linked physical and emotional health in individuals, this is the first study to show the phenomenon in couples.

“This study shows how important marital relationships can be in determining old age health,” says lead author Prof. Christiane Hoppmann of UBC’s Dept. of Psychology. “In addition, we show that many of the associations between functional limitations and depressive symptoms that have previously been found in individuals are in fact related to spouses.”

The researchers found that spouses’ depressive symptoms waxed and waned closely with those of their partners. Functional limitations in one spouse was not only associated with their own depressive symptoms but also with depressive symptoms in the other spouse. Increases in depressive symptoms in one spouse were also associated with greater functional limitations in both spouses.

“When people are depressed, they tend to want to stay at home – but that causes a spouse to stay home more too,” says Hoppmann. “That’s a problem, because when older adults stop being active – going for walks, socializing, shopping – they risk losing that functional ability. It’s that old saying, ‘use it or lose it.’”

“These findings help to illuminate the often vicious cycle between depressive symptoms and our physical abilities,” Hoppmann adds, noting that associations remained after controlling for individual (age, education, cognition) and spousal covariates (marriage duration, number of children) and did not differ between women and men.

Surprisingly, the researchers found that the relationship between depressive symptoms were slightly stronger in couples than some individuals, suggesting that a spouse’s physical or emotional health can have a greater impact on their partner’s health than their own in some cases.

“Being married for a long time is a very specific situation, it really ties your lives together,” says Hoppmann, whose previous research has explored happiness in older couples. “These findings show just how interdependent, emotionally and physically, long-term couples can become.”

Hoppmann says the findings point towards a greater need for holistic healthcare approaches. “This interdependence suggests that we cannot simply focus on individual patients, while disregarding the major impacts their illnesses can have on the people in their lives,” she says, noting studies have shown caregivers to be at a greater risk for mental and physical health problems.

The researchers – which include Anita Hibbert, a graduate student in UBC’s Dept. of Psychology, and Prof. Denis Gerstorf of Pennsylvania State University – say further studies are required to determine whether these spousal associations are specific to long-term married couples and whether they generalize to aging Baby Boomers who enter old age with more diverse relationship histories, including divorces and remarriages.

Which supplements to buy.

Buying supplements is not just purchasing the cheapest, otherwise you may as well just throw them away.
I choose Omega 3 fish oil, each tablet contains 1000mg, but more importantly 300 mg of active EPA/DHA. You can take two per day. This will improve cardiac health, so protect you heart function, maintains normal vision and brain function. I bought this from Holland and barrett, however it may be cheaper to buy online from a reputable health food store.


I also take Odourless garlic oil 1000mg, this is high strength so I take one per day, to help maintain healthy cholesterol levels, and may protect against some cancers. Garlic is known to help many other conditions as well.


Vitamin D3 10ug. Please note the strength. This is a new one that I have added to my list. We get so little sunlight these days, and we need this vitamin to improve our immune system. I take one a day of this vitamin.


Finally vitamin C, my favorite 500-1000mg per day, slow release. Vitamin c in higher doses has shown to help many conditions including heart health, and protection against cancer. It can support the body's defences against all kinds of bugs and illnesses such as flu.

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New bug and measles about

At the moment there is a bug going around with effects the tummy. It would be a good idea to protect yourself in a natural way to prevent this tummy bug. You can try to stop getting over tired. Take plenty of vitamin c. You can get supplements 500-1000mg per day. Wash your hands after going to the toilet. Many people are in a hurry and just dont wash hands. Take vitamin D3 available at your health store. This vitamin is in sunshine, however our summers are not as good as they used to be, and lack of vitamin D3 can weaken the immune system. Try getting lots of exercise, just a walk can help to boost the immune system. Think in a positive way. Think of what I can do, not what I cannot do. Remember the glass is half full, not half empty.

How Do Men Grieve?

I spent a week staying with a friend whose wife died from acute myeloid leukemia two months ago. He is, of course, bereft, but shows it in ways that are not like the womenfolk I know who have lost partners. I am used to women really crying, with all their sisters, and being somewhat immobilized if work and children permit that. Women also look sad and exhausted. Women also seem to know that grieving takes time and that being lost and lonely don't mean that you're stuck and not healing. Of course this isn't true for all women, but it is for many I have known.

My friend wants to be doing "better." And by better, I think he means getting back into life with vigor. After a few days of the sanctioned mourning period, he started going back to work for hours, then days, and now weeks. He socializes with friends many evenings during the week - friends who loved them both, and now sustain him. He started doing a vigorous training program to get back in shape and is running and eating well. There are pictures of his wife all over the house and he likes to engage in conversations about her. He asks, "Don't you think I am doing better?"

I know his heart is shattered and that he misses her with his entire soul. But his ways of grieving and engaging in life I find are somewhat foreign to me. So I ask myself, and you, the question: How do men grieve? I am very interested in your thoughts.