Divorce and Chronic Illness: One Woman's Story

A reader's comment on a previous blog post deserves attention and the good thinking of other readers. I post it here, and share my thoughts underneath:

"I am now in my 4th year of suffering with RSD pain. I have no family in my state. My husband started out somewhat supportive & helpful. Now he sees me as a setback to the things he wants to do. He has told me that he doesn't drag race, go to metal concerts, and other things he enjoys b/c I make him feel guilty for enjoying his life. I have one daughter that is away at college. Only one close friend. Basically I don't have a support system. Spousal support is the most important thing one can have when trying to overcome the pain of this illness. What do you do when you don't have it? We are only days away from our 24yr anniversary & I'm feeling like its time to let go. I don't want this feeling of being the cause of his misery and him the cause of mine. Any advice on how to make it through a divorce when you're so weak and beat down? We would have to stay in the same house until the market is better for selling the home."

My Thoughts:
Divorce is the best solution in some situations -- especially when there is the presence or threat of emotional or physical violence. But divorce is hard, especially on women. Hard socially and hard financially.

Sometimes divorce becomes the visible option, something concrete to talk about, when the couple has a hard time talking deeply and authentically, without shame or blame, about the issues that lie beneath the divorce talk: resentments, jealousy, depression, rage, loneliness, fear, sex, and more.

If you'll permit me to speculate, I can imagine that you and your husband can get caught in a self-defeating loop (as many other couples do). You can't help having an illness that limits your activities. He feels obligated to curtail his activities and then resents you. You feel guilty and depressed, which probably exacerbates your RSD and leaves you more pained and less physically able to participate in activities with him. He gets resentful, and you get guilty, etc. etc. You naturally think about ending the relationship to end the hurtful pattern.

I wonder if there may be ways to intervene in this cycle, short of divorce (which is always an option). And I wonder what you have tried already? One thing to keep in mind is that you have an illness, but you are not your illness. There is a you that is much bigger than your symptoms and the things you cannot do. It's probably that "you" that your husband fell in love with. I wonder if you can tap into that "you" and find aspects that take you out of guilt (and your own resentments) and reach out to him from your core, your essence. Perhaps there are ways for you to introduce both of you to just being together and to engaging in activities that you can tolerate (and giving each other permission to also engage in solo activities).

Another perspective: When illness enters into the couple relationship, things change, often drastically. When we continue to apply pre-illness approaches to our changing reality, they often don't work and frustration and disappointment result. Couples can wind up blaming each other instead of joining together and lamenting the losses illness has caused both people. (and at some point, some couples wind up appreciating the unforeseen "gifts" illness brought into their lives -- e.g. having to slow down and learn to communicate). I wonder if there is a way for each of you to stop (if only for a moment) seeing the other as the cause of your own misery and to see illness as the disruptor for both of you. It may be helpful to talk together about what illness had done to your lives -- both your lives, separate and together. Listening with openness and empathy to each others' feelings can create shifts in entrenched patterns that allow for new possibilities --- and new solutions. A third party - therapist or clergy person - can help keep this conversation on track.

Some couples decide to stay together, but have essentially separate lives. Some couples decide to live separately, but remain in close and supportive contact. There are any number of permutations.

If you do decide on divorce, it sounds like it would be useful to build your support system first. You will need people to talk to and people to help you out. Are there chronic illness or divorce support groups near you? A family agency or hospital social worker could probably put you in touch with groups and other useful resources. And most people use a mediator or lawyers to help negotiate the terms of the divorce.

You are in a very tough situation. I will hold you in my thoughts and hope for outcomes that bring you more peace.


Any other readers have thoughts or experiences to share? Please join in.

A remedy as an immune stimulant

Frankincense, also known as olibanum, is distilled from the resin produced by the bark of a small North African tree. Since ancient times it has been considered a spiritual oil, used by many to encourage meditation, and is enormously calming. 


Frankincense slows the breathing and calms the nervous and digestive systems, relieving anxiety, depression, nervous tension, emotional upsets and stress-related digestive problems. As an immune stimulant and an expectorant it can help respiratory and catarrhal conditions such as asthma, colds, sinusitis, chest infections, chronic bronchitis. Frankincense has wound healing, astringent, antiseptic, and anti-inflammatory properties, making it an ideal treatment for cuts, scars and it is recommended for firming aging skin. It is also helpful for cystitis.


Natural health cures  Alternative therapies  Healing cancer
Holistic treatment  Natural treatment  Natural therapy
Natural health advice  Holistic therapy Unusual cures

Natural cures looks at the circulation theory

Natural cures are found though the circulation system. The circulatory system of the human anatomy is in many respects a transportation system. Oxygen fixated upon red blood cells in the lungs is transported in the bloodstream to every cell in the body. The wastes eliminated by cells are conveyed through the bloodstream to the excretory system, which excretes the wastes but saves the blood cells for further utilization. Nutrients are also conveyed from the intestine to the cells through the bloodstream.
When circulation of the blood is impeded, the body is besieged by problems. Upon the delay of nutrients or oxygen, cells die from the lack of sustenance. Upon the impediment of blood flow, efficiency of cellular waste eliminanation is greatly reduced, and upon the accumulation of waste matter due to cellular dysfunction, health problems develop.
This would lead some people to conclude that increasing the rate of circulation will decrease  the chances of problems developing inside the body. The method that comes to most peoples minds as appropriate for accelerating the circulation is exercise.

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Mothers and Pain

Richard and I have been visiting my mother in her assisted living community where she decided to move to six months after my father died.

The closer I am to her, physically and emotionally, the shorter is the fuse that leads to my pain. Propinquity = pain.

I have always been her reservoir, the pool into which her more sinister emotions drain. I am also her mirror -- having to reflect back to her what an excellent mother she is. Without the reservoir and the mirror, she tends to crumble and become either immobilized by inertia or explosive with rage.

I understand these dynamics. I try to hover above them, even as I act the part of good daughter. That distance, between the self I play and the self I am, becomes the fire that ignites the fuse that leads to my pain.

She is in pain, herself. She is also at a time of life when she is losing control over what used to be her privileges -- driving, taking medication, smoking. So now she experiences everything as a control issue -- our encouraging her to drink more than 4 ounces of fluid a day, to get out of bed at least by 3:00pm, to not screech at service people who are not giving her what she wants when she wants it. Her pain has also become her instrument for coercing others into giving her some control back. She throws her pain on the receptionist's counter at the doctor's office to have her appointment bumped ahead of others who are waiting. Her pain invites her to sleep until noon and take three naps during the day. Her pain gets her all the medication she wants, which along with Ensure, is her main sustenance.

What I am writing about her may come across as harsh. I don't mean it to be. I mean it to be a pretty accurate representation. And I no longer feel harsh as I describe her in this way. I feel great sadness and compassion. I appreciate that she is who she is, that we have an umbilical connection, that I react as I do and then need some time to recover.

Luckily Richard was with me on this visit. He was my anchor point and at times my protector. Looking at him while holding her hand helped me appreciate that I have a love she has never known, and am very grateful for that.

Now, back home, Richard and I once again accompany each other. And once again, he offers me sweet, real empathy as I do what I do to get my pain level back down. It really does make things better. It allows me to leave her in her life and cherish that mine is very different, better - and that's OK.

In what situations does your partner serve as your anchor point?

Natural cures for a chest infection

Since Christmas I have been suffering with a chest infection. I have also had pain in the shoulder. At first I thought that the pain was muscular, however after going to see my GP she confirmed that it could be an infection in my lung, and perscribed antibiotics. This is now the second course of antibiotics. I need to find and an alternative to cure my chest infection 

Besides antibiotic treatment, there are a few remedies you can try out at home to help keep the condition in check. Since chest infections are usually associated with fever and possible dehydration, it is essential to keep the level of fluids in the body high. You need to keep up a regular intake of water. If you have a habit of smoking, then you need to stop immediately, as this will worsen the condition. Even breathing becomes painful during a chest infection and you are likely to feel tired and weak. As the mucus is blocking the airways, you tend to cough frequently in an attempt to dispel it. The viral infection causes the mucus to become infected with bacteria. As such it is a good idea to take herbs that are anti-microbial in nature such as thyme or hyssop and coltsfoot, which also serve as decongestants and help to treat coughs. These herbs prevent infections from occurring and help to reduce existing symptoms, thus speeding up recovery. Mullein is an herb with anti-inflammatory properties that helps to reduce inflammation in the mucus membranes of the lungs and also the bronchial tract. 

Sleep is quite important to boost the body’s immunity against infections and as such herbs that help you sleep better such as cowslip and chamomile are very effective. Cowslip taken with honey also helps to cleanse the lungs of mucus. Inhalation and chest rubs are also helpful in bringing immediate relief. Licorice is an expectorant and anti-inflammatory herb which is helpful in dealing with infections of the respiratory kind. An infusion of the root of elecampane is used to make a syrup that acts as a warming tonic for infections in the chest. Due to its expectorant action it clears the bronchial tubes and fights the infection. You may also make a poultice of mustard seeds by mixing 100 gm of ground mustard seeds with some warm water to form a thick paste. Take two thin sheets of muslin and spread the paste between them, while it is still warm. Apply it to the chest and leave it on until the paste cools, breathing deeply while doing this.
Ping Your Podcast
Chest infections - Better Health Channel
A chest infection is an infection that affects your lungs, either in the larger airways (bronchitis) or in the smaller air sacs (pneumonia). Young children and the elderly are most at risk, as well as people who are ill and smokers. A chest infection can be serious for these people.


Q&As on Lungs

Two Blog Carnivals To Check Out

One is called Patients for a Moment, and it contains patient posts on the interesting topic of Guilt. It's being hosted at Glass of Win.

The other is a collection of posts mainly from health care providers. This one is hosted by the FDAzilla blog.

Oases of Hope

I have a friend who is undergoing massive chemotherapy to treat her cancer. She is likely to be in the hospital for at least a month. Right now, after a week, she is nauseous, exhausted, losing weight, and sleeping or zoning out a lot. When she's present, she is remarkable in her ability to hold two seemingly parallel realities -- that this is a desperate treatment with low odds and that she is living now and hopes to keep on living. Her husband describes this quality as "grit."

He often drops by our house at 9:00pm or 10:00pm, after having spent all day by her side. We talk about many things -- sadness, loss, our kitchen renovation, current events. We also talk about hope.

For many people I have met, hope is a bi-polar condition. It's opposite is despair. Either one hopes that there will be recovery or one despairs that damage or death is more likely. Every word spoken by the health care team becomes an augury. Every increase or decrease in temperature, every food product consumed and kept down, every smile or sigh -- become a sign of hope or despair, of life or death.

Since the distance between the states of hope and despair is so vast, and the signals to switch from one to the other are so continuous, this form of polarity-thinking is exhausting.

What's needed are stepping stones, or intermediate resting places -- oases of hope. As Anne Frank wrote in her diary, "Where there's hope there is life." To that I would add: Hope is not only found; it is created.

We can create these oases of hope that break up the long haul of illness and provide us with sustenance along the way. To do so requires two things:

• Paying attention
  
• Focusing on the ways in which the small can be momentous.

My friend and her well partner can hope for one good day. They can hope she has a quiet night of restful sleep. They can hope that the pain meds or the anti-nausea meds will help. They can hope that the new day nurse will not only be expert but also intuitive. They can hope that she will be able to enjoy two scoops of ice cream. They can find joy in her pride in hearing about her son's first day at a new job. They can find strength in her insistence that the IV holder be positioned differently to give her easier access to the bathroom. They can appreciate her "grit" in insisting that he (her partner) stop bugging her about food and take better care of himself by allowing friends to do his laundry and cook for him.

My husband hoped for and got joy from my quiet snoring that indicated to him that sleep had finally freed me from pain. I found hope (and a role model) in walking my dog and observing the ways in which she set challenges for herself (like finding a chicken bone buried under two feet of accumulated snow), appreciated her moment of conquest, and then moved on to the next adventure.

What are your oases of hope?