Seven Myths About Couples and Illness

I first blogged the 7 myths on this list a year ago. Since then I have stumbled over several more which I'll post over the next few weeks.

I eagerly invite you to add your own myths to the list.

7 Myths About Couples & Illness:

1. Love is all you need (sorry, not true John Lennon)
2. It's better to keep busy and not dwell on the illness (sometimes yes and sometimes no. Partners need to cue each other when they need distraction and when they need to talk about illness)
   
3. Talking about suicide only makes the possibility of doing it stronger (if your partner alludes to suicide and you ignore it, those self destructive feelings won't go away; they'll only go underground)
4. It's better to face the harsh truth rather than sustain fading hope (no one has the inside track on truth or hope)
5. If you cater to your ill partner's needs, you'll be fostering an unhealthy dependency (the dance of couples and illness is about perpetually seeking a balance between meeting each others' needs and supporting each others' strengths and autonomy)
6. Illness trumps intimacy. If one of you is sick and in discomfort, sex drops off the list (intimacy does not de facto equal intercourse. You and your partner need to talk about what is comfortable and what is not)
7. If your partner is sick it's your obligation, your vow, to stay by his/her side, no matter what (this is a very painful issue, and there is no one size fits all answer. Some couples stay together through illness and find new dimensions of loving; some couples stay together and make each other sicker, or at least miserable; some couples who separate find that the physical distance permits greater emotional closeness).

Caregivers and Suicide

excerpted from the Tampa Tribune:

Caregivers may look to suicide

By Gary Joseph LeBlanc

The rate of homicide-suicide in senior adult couples is 50 percent higher than younger adults. Those who suffer from Alzheimer's, the so-called Caregiver-Dependent Homicide-Suicides make up a large percentage of senior deaths. When a couple who has been married for a long period of time becomes totally dependent upon one another and one or both become irreversibly ill, homicide-suicide may appear to be the only answer. Periods of deep depression may trigger feelings of utter hopelessness, especially on the part of the husband who feels helpless in realizing he can no longer fulfill what deems to be his husbandly duties. This usually has the husband initiating the act. Do not interpret this as a suicide pact; this is an act of desperation and hopelessness.

One caregiver resource report showed nearly 60 percent of caregivers experience clinical signs of depression and 40 percent of former caregivers have mild to severe depression which can last up to three years after the patient has died.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My Commentary:

Honestly, who doesn't think of suicide when you're living with a debilitating chronic condition that sucks the joy and vitality out of your life - whether you're the patient or the caregiver. I know I have found myself in moments of unrelenting pain thinking about death as the only cure. Having the option of suicide always available ironically allowed me to chose life -- because I knew that death was within a few pill's reach away. I could always swallow that handful tomorrow.

I would really like to know - have you ever considered suicide as your "cure?" What kept you from doing it? What thoughts ran through your mind that made you chose life?

More natural cures for disease

Turmeric (Curcuma Longa) is a natural healing spice traditionally used by both Indian and Chinese systems of medicine to treat inflammations and cure sprains. It contains a yellow pigment curcumin, an active ingredient that has been used for centuries.

The curcuminoids in Turmeric are a group of phenolic acids that have been found to have unique antioxidant and anti-inflammatory properties. They retard age-related diseases by preventing free radical damage, inhibit the growth of cancer cells, protect the Liver from toxins, help to dissolve gallstones, and alleviate joint swelling.

Studies with HIV patients have shown that turmaric also has a beneficial effect in the treatment of AIDS.






google-site-verification: googlef19486ddb0da2a14.html

What are the Little Things that Make a Big Difference?

The long haul of chronic illness can be back breaking work, for both partners. It certainly takes a physical toll. Couples know too well the exhaustion of dealing with symptoms and daily responsibilities, which don't wait for flare ups to quiet down. Illness certainly takes a psychological toll as roles shift and communication channels get clogged with emotional static.

Sometimes it doesn't take a big thing to break the tension and reduce the stress. Sometimes a very little thing can create a momentary oasis whose restfulness and beauty can then trickle back and lighten the ordinary for a while.

For me it's making sure we always say good night to each other, out loud and with intention. It's also laughing together, about anything, especially something silly or raunchy.

What about you? What are the little things that make a big difference?

Yet another possible cancer cure

Scientists in the Department of Urology at the New York Medical ­Collegehave found that the Maitake Mushroom can shrink tumours by as much as 75%. The latest study is published in the ­British Journal of Urology.

The breakthrough could have major ­implications for two of Britain’s biggest ­cancer killers and lead to new treatments. It is hoped that the mushroom could help victims of prostate and bladder cancers, these two cancers claim the lives of 15,000 victims every year in the UK. Maitake mushrooms are common in Chinese and ­Japanese cooking and have also been used to treat blood pressure and liver disease.

Vital Nutrients

GABA (Gamma aminobutyric acid) is an amino acid supplement that is gaining popularity for its anti-anxiety effects. Gaba is produced in the body from glutamic acid and acts as an inhibitory neurotransmitter. That is, it slows down activity in the part of the brain called the lymbic system, which is our emotional alarm bell.

Gaba is able to reduce stressful feelings such as anxiety, fear and panic. As a natural tranquillizer, Gaba can partially replace valium by binding to the same brain receptors, providing tranquillization. Gaba is available from health food stores.

www.google.com › Health › Alternative
http://www.grannymed.com/

Thanksgiving Thoughts

I used to adore Thanksgiving. But not for the expected reasons - great food, big crowd, football games. I adored it because the power of these stimulants - gluttony, big crowd, football - enfolded my family in a cozy blanket of numbness. The numbness was dense enough to defeat the usual squabbles and snipings. And it allowed us to believe, for half a day, that we were indeed normal, even happy.

As a child, at some point during the endless feeding, I would slip off my chair and drop into the world under the table. Under the veil of the starched white table cloth, I could only see legs and shoes. The upside world of manufactured cheer was muted; and down below I had some quiet authenticity and some control.

Every year, in my down below, I untied my relatives shoelaces. I then retied one person's shoelaces to those of the person sitting in the adjacent seat. I did this with care and concentration. And every year, my relatives laughed as if this were a joke.

I knew it wasn't a joke, but it took me years of adulthood to figure out why I did this untying and retying. It's simple really, I was creating a unified family. One that had genuine bonds of untainted love.

This year, I do have genuine bonds of untainted love. With my life and love partner, Richard. With my brother and his family. With my friends. With my recently deceased father and with my self-involved mother. In some part I have illness and pain to thank. They pushed me to the edge and left me with no hope. In the place of no hope, in the down-below, I found something that tied me to life.

Am I grateful for illness and pain. Hell no! But I am grateful for the new meanings I discovered and for the love knots I learned to re-tie.