Couples and Money Management

From Publishers Weekly - a book review about financial management. While not specifically about couples who are dealing with illness, it sounds like a useful resource.

Financially Ever After: The Couples' Guide to Managing Money Jeff D. Opdyke. Collins Business, $16.99 paper (240p) ISBN 978-0-06-135818-0

Opdyke, Wall Street Journal columnist, offers a sensitive and sensible manual for peaceably handling marital finances. Many newlyweds have difficulty handling the transition from being an independent agent, who can overspend like mad or pinch every penny till it screams, to a partner working to manage joint finances—the communication issues that crop up are myriad. When inevitable issues of power, independence, self-esteem, security and control come into play, the resulting arguments or silent avoidance can lead to terrible financial mistakes. Opdyke gives clear advice on managing both the real dollars and the real emotions of personal finance that course through every relationship, including scripts for questions partners should ask about each other's financial history, and gives cogent, easy-to-follow plans for the division of financial duties, budgets, prenuptial agreements and home-buying, particularly in light of the credit crunch. With its compassionate and pragmatic tone, this book is invaluable for newlyweds with stars still in their eyes—and longtime couples struggling to balance the emotional with the financial and ensure a healthy, thriving life together. (Apr.)

Grand Rounds is Up

at Not Totally Rad. It's a good read.

Patrick and Lisa Swayze Face His Cancer Together

From an article in Examiner.com about Patrick and Lisa Swayze's plans for writing a memoir together as they face his pancreatic cancer. This is their way of reconsecrating their relationship and love as they are dealing with the pain and turmoil of cancer.


"Swayze and wife Lisa, gave a touching and powerful interview about their 36 year relationship with Barbara Walters, which aired on January 8th. The couple told Walters about their belief that they were soul mates and had known each other before. Swayze credited his wife's support with his ability to endure and face his illness "with gracefulness."

Lisa revealed that when she first heard the news about his cancer and prognosis she said, " How dare you, you have to stay here." They both agreed that had this situation been reversed, he would have had an angrier reaction than Lisa.Understanding how they each react, can help them better support each other.

The Swayzes are doing many things that are helpful for couples facing a life threatening illness. They are discussing not only the impact of the illness on the everyday functioning of their lives, but also reflecting on how grateful they are for the life they have shared together.

They also recently renewed their wedding vows which can help couples ritualize their commitment to one another. The memoir may also serve as an important way of memorializing and understanding the life they share. The words on the printed page can make their experiences more concrete and provides an enduring legacy in a way that verbalization of their memories can not."

The courage to review their lives together,at this sensitive time, can provide inspiration to other couples who may be fearful that this would mean they were saying goodbye or giving up hope. Although it may be emotionally painful, this shared intimacy can actually be helpful to better cope with the challenges ahead."

Grand Rounds is Up at Chronic Babe Today

This week's Grand Rounds posts are about women's health issues.

And so is the January Pain Blog Carnival.

MBTI: Personality Differences in Couples

The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) assessment is a psychometric questionnaire designed to measure psychological preferences in how people perceive the world and make decisions.

There are four dimensions of measurement. We each have qualities of all dimensions. But just as some of us have a dominant right or left hand, even though we use both hands all the time; we tend to have preferences for certain MBTI types.

THE FOUR MBTI DIMENSIONS

Extroverting <---> Introverting
Which has to do with where you get your energy. Extroverts recharge when they're around people and they tend to think out loud. Introverts need alone time to recharge and they tend to process internally before speaking.

Intuiting <---> Sensing
Which has to do with how you take in information. Intuitive look for the big picture and patterns (the forest). Sensors look for the details (the trees).

Thinking <---> Feeling
Which has to do with how you make decisions. Thinkers use data to analyze situations. Feelers look to their intuitive gut responses.

Judging <---> Perceiving
Which has to do with your basic orientation to the world. Judgers like to narrow options, make the choice, act on it, and move on. Perceivers like to keep options open and add more possibilities.

I have heard it said that when couples have different preferences on more than two dimensions, relationships are more of a struggle. Richard, my partner, and I differ on two dimensions, and they bite us all the time. I have preferences for Feeling and Judging. He has preferences for Thinking and Perceiving.

How does this play out?

Feeling - Thinking Scenario

B. (Feeler): Today is not a good day. I'm having some pain.
R. (Thinker): Why not try a warm bath, or doing some yoga stretches. That often helps. Or we could watch reruns of the Twilight Zone. That might distract you.

When all I (the Feeler) really want to hear him say is:
"Oh sweetie. I'm so sorry you're hurting. I'm by your side."

Judging - Perceiving Scenario

B. (Judging): I don't know what to do? Should I try myo-fascial physical therapy or acupuncture or different meds? I can't stand this confusion. I want to find the one thing that will work!"

R. (Perceiving): You can try them all! And if something doesn't work once, you can try it again later. It might help then. The good news is that there is always something more to try that might help.

B. (Judging): Groan...I just want to figure out what will work!

We are different. I recently wrote a post about how Richard's Thinking preference and my Feeling preference trip us up. I am Deanna Troi to his Mr. Data (for the Trekkies among you).

When you think about your own relationships in an MBTI context - what do you notice about how the differences between you and your partner show up?

Are you both Extroverts, or is one an Introvert? Do you both like to dive into the details (Sensing) or does that make you crazy because all you want is the big picture (Intuiting)? Is one of you a Thinker and the other a Feeler, like Richard and me? Is one of you a Judger who likes to make a choice and move on, while the other, the Perceiver, likes to add more possibilities into the mix and postpone making a final decision (again, like Richard and me)?

And for those of you who seem to be similar to your partner across all four dimensions -- what is that like? I can only imagine.


more to come about MBTI and couples and illness

Strife at Home Can Make You Sick

From an article on Little About
Strife at Home Can Make You Sick

Disagreements between feuding spouses that continue without satisfying resolution could take a significant toll on one’s health, researchers at Ohio State University conclude. Among those who argued with ineffective conflict management skills, immune systems can be weakened and stress hormones increased.

In two trials involving 120 couples, psychologists found that partners involved in relationship disputes were at risk for sickness. The findings were similar across the marriage spectrum of participants, whether a couple was newly married or wed for many years.

One study focused on newlyweds, the other on husbands and wives married an average of 42 years. Clinicians involved with the study conclude that, with proper conflict resolution, marriage partners can enjoy less stress through real listening and honest sharing of feelings and attitudes. The men studied were more likely to withdraw from or tune out during arguments, while the women were more likely to be distressed about the argument well after a heated dispute.

With the study, mental health practitioners who try to save marriages–counselors, social workers, psychiatrists, psychologists, clergy–now have the science to prove that arguments between couples can lead to battles inside the body. Long term health effects are not yet known.

Ohio State researchers studied many couples, both newlyweds and couples who have been married for decades. They measured the stress hormones in their blood. Couples were brought in for joint counselling sessions on current disputes. Blood was analyzed intermittently.

The presence of the hormones are found to be linked not to the disagreements themselves, but to the way couples fight and resolve (or don’t resolve) conflicts. “They all had a problem that they were talking about, but those who talked about it in a hostile and negative way are the ones who had the negative immune effects,” reports Dr. George Solomon, MD, professor of psychiatry at University of California Los Angeles.

Solomon studies the way in which mind and the immune system interact. He says it’s important for couples to learn how to deal with the conflicts and stress that are inevitable in any committed relationship. In the study of the older couples, abrasive arguments were tied to a weakening of certain aspects of immune response.

Dr. Janice Kiecolt-Glaser, PhD of OSU’s new Institute for Behavioral Medicine Research who was involved in both studies, says that the findings from those headed toward golden anniversaries were more unexpected than the findings from the newlyweds. “You might expect that arguments would have less impact on older couples because they’ve gone through these disagreements many times before and have learned to deal with them,” says Kiecolt-Glaser. “But that’s not the case.”

Besides raised stress hormone levels, the older couples with weaker immune measures also described their usual marital disagreements as more negative.

In the study of newlyweds, researchers concluded that one key to lowering the stress during a couple’s arguments is to concentrate on the issues at hand and reduce the amount of negative responses that result. The style of the fighting is most important. “The sarcasm, name-calling and back-biting are the problems,” says Dr. Ronald Glaser, PhD, another researcher involved in the OSU study.

Of particular interest was the continued elevated stress hormone levels of the women having husbands who withdrew from the arguments. “We’re probably seeing the results of the women thinking about and reliving the argument throughout the day,” Kiecolt-Glaser says.

According to the researchers, while changes in immune response were seen in both newlywed and older couples, the effects may have greater consequences in older people as their immune systems are already waning. “Older adults have greater rates of illness and death due to infectious diseases compared to younger people,” Kiecolt-Glaser says. “Additional stress, such as from marital arguments, may put them at greater risk.”

President Barack Obama

"On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord. On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics."

Let us hope.