Second Opinion

Many decades ago, when my father was in his thirties, he began having a problem with his eyes. His vision was OK, but every time he went outside, his eyes teared up and spilled a steady drip of water until he went back inside. He decided to consult an eye specialist. That doctor told him he would be blind within a year. He decided to get a another opinion. The second specialist gave him the same exam the first one did and told him to wear sunglasses when he went outside. He did and had clear vision until he died at age 84.

Several years ago, I noticed a hard bulge on my abdomen. My primary care doctor referred me to a surgeon. He examined me, said it was a lipoma and suggested it be removed surgically. The "oma" part scared me and I asked him what lipoma meant. He said it was a benign fatty tumor. I asked him what would happen if we left it alone. He said, "Probably nothing, It might go away or remain." I then asked him, "If it's benign and there's no harm in doing nothing, then why recommend surgery?" He said, "I'm a surgeon. That's what I do."

When Richard has a symptom, his tendency is to watch it, see what happens over time, and if it gets worse, consult a doctor. My tendency is to call a doctor when I first notice something awry. I figure that the doctor has a perspective I don't, and I'm just getting information and am not binding myself to a course of action. But once I do get the professional opinion, it's hard to deny it and return to ignorance. So I wind up with more anxiety and more medication than Richard does. And he's pretty damn healthy.

So --How do you know when you're in denial and ignoring something critical? How do you know when you're overloading something minor with too much anxiety and attention? And how do you know when to accept a doctor's advice and when to ask for a second and a third opinion?

Two Blog Carnivals

This month's Pain-Blog Carnival is up at How to Cope with Pain. Have a look.

Also, Leslie at Getting closer to Myself hosted a patient carnival on the question: What advice would you give, or what would you want non-chronically ill people to know about your illness and your life?

Unwanted Help

How do you deal with unwanted help?

The good intentions of friends and family in offering emotional and tactical help can sometimes be welcome, and can sometimes be just another burden to deal with when you or your sweetie are suffering from illness or pain.

When I was very ill, I had a friend who would call every day to ask how I was doing and then launch into her stories about pain, in which she generally featured as main character. It was wretched enough to have her use my suffering as a platform for her narratives. It was doubly wretched to be asked, every day - "How are you doing?" That question was just salt in the wound and served not to comfort but to remind me that I was not doing well at all, and that I had no idea when or if my pain condition would change.

I had another friend who called or emailed most every day and simply said, "I'm thinking of you." That was lovely. It felt like the sweet touch of a cool hand on my desperate brow. Not intruding. Not insisting I engage in any way. Just a brief loving contact that I knew could be extended should I need that.

Many people just don't know how to talk to someone who has a serious illness. Out of their own nervousness (and for some, out of their blind self-involvement), they ask too many questions, tell too many stories, offer to do too much. These offers, even if meant benevolently, become extra weight for the ill person to carry. When all your resilience is tied up in just holding your own self together, offers and questions can be the extra straws that break you down instead of fortifying you.

So how do you deal with family and friends who load you down with well-intention extra straws?

Firstly, be aware that this is happening. Don't just respond out of hospitality or habit, and then wind up entangled in a conversation you don't really want to have.

Secondly, know that your taking care of yourself takes precedence over another's hurt feelings. If you need to shield yourself from another's well-intentioned but unhelpful involvement, you must do so, or pay the price later in increased tiredness, pain, depletion.

Thirdly, communicate. People will inadvertently intrude. They don't know what is helpful and what is not. And what is helpful will change over time. Communicate - in person, by email, through a trusted third party -- and let friends and family know what your needs are. Do you want to be left alone? Do you want people to stay in touch, but not to expect any response from you? Do you want people to send you articles or other resources they have found about your condition? Do you want visitors to not drop by without advance notice? Do you want help with specific activities (e.g. drives to medical appointment, grocery shopping, child care)?

Fourthly, know that these efforts come from love. You can appreciate and express gratitude for the love, while setting limits on the involvement.

What stories and ideas do you have for letting your family and friends know what you want and don't want from them?

Help for Angina

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Angina known medically as angina pectoris is a condition that causes pain in the heart muscle. It is usually as a result of poor circulation in the arteries that supply the heart muscle with blood. Warning if you think you have angina please seek medical advice as soon as possible.

There are also alternative ways that may help angina. These include taking regular supplements of antioxidants. The main ones are vitamins A,C, and E, the minerals selenium, zinc and magnesium, the amino acid lysine, the essential fatty acid EPA, from fish oils.

Herbal medicine can also help such as Garlic, Bromelain, Lime blossom, Lilly of the valley, Motherwort and Hawthorn berries.

Homeopathy remedy Aconite 6c can help and control an angina attack.

Illness as Catalyst?

Sorry for the short absence. Richard and I were helping my mother transition into an assisted living facility and sort out her medical needs. About six months after my father's death she hit the "alone" wall. Not loneliness, which can be tempered by social activity - but alone-ness. She became afraid.

She and my father were not very compatible. She experienced his questions about her activities as attempts to control her, and he experienced her wordless, stone-faced responses as either not having heard his question or as not having done the deed he was asking her about. So he would ask again, and again, with increasing impatience -- especially after he became physically disabled during the last two years of his life. And she would get stonier and stonier. You can see the endless, disappointing (to me) loop.

At the six month post-death point, it wasn't that she missed him or had regrets that disturbed her quietude, it was that she started becoming afraid of being alone. The night-time what-ifs intruded more and more into her awake time. What if I fall? What if I can't reach my cell phone? What if my alert necklace doesn't work? What if there's a hurricane? What if something happens and there's no one there?

So, we helped her move into an assisted living, where she is much more tranquil.

As we helped her settle in, I wondered: Must illness exacerbate the destructive behavioral and emotional patterns couples used during their healthier years? Does illness need to be the final stage on which the partners enact the same old script that locked them into battle or silence in healthier days? Or can illness be the catalyst that bulldozes the destructive relationship loops and spirals and clears a path to more nurturing interactions?

What is your experience? Can illness change relationship patterns for the better; or does illness just exacerbate the pre-existing negative behaviors?

Interspecies Love

Those of you who know me through this blog know that I am a sucker for inter-species love stories. I guess I believe that if love can cross the species boundary, having a partner who forgets to refill the ice cube tray or leaves socks on the living room floor open is less than inconsequential.

Here's another great story -- about an orangutan and a dog. enjoy!